Having people gathered around our dining room table is a regular occurrence. When we built our house, we made a decision to have the dining room be the centerpiece of the house. Nestled between the kitchen and the living room, it feels like the nucleus of a cell, where all the important stuff happens. We had a table made especially for the space, one that seats 14 comfortably and has welcomed up to 19 one Easter morning. The location connected to the kitchen, means the atmosphere is casual, no stuffiness allowed. We have four chairs that are really comfortable, and several that aren't at all. That means when there are just four of us, as there were tonight, everyone gets a comfy chair!
Our guests were a young couple from Wheaton. He's a sophomore who Eric, my husband, befriended when he was coaching the mock trial team. The student doesn't have the best relationship with his parents, and as a result, is often looking for other adults to guide and love him. We have filled that role in some small way here in Wheaton. The young woman is his girlfriend, a junior at the college who we have met a couple of times, but still don't really know as she is quiet. Eric and I are not, and our big personalities can overshadow smaller personalities most of the time. Most of our interactions with her have occurred during her two visits to our college group, when having a meaningful conversation in a house with nearly 40 people is mostly impossible. The young man, on the other hand, has been with us alone for dinner, visits me in my office regularly, and Eric spent a couple of hours on the phone with him multiple times over the summer. We feel like we know him well. He has cried in my presence multiple times, sharing the deep sadness and hurts he has felt throughout his life. And the last time we talked he was concerned that he couldn't share that same level of emotion with the young woman.
He was eager for the four of us to hang out, and I thought the lack of emotion subject was one of the topics he had wanted to cover. Or maybe it was some questions about boundaries they have been struggling with. I thought there was an agenda on his part. He had gone so far as to ask that we not go out because he thought he and the girl might both end up crying.
They arrived a few minutes late and he came in apologizing for some deadlines he missed for applying for jobs. I assured him that was fine, teased him a bit, and then we all moved on. Dinner was ready, so we filled our plates with the chicken taco fixings, and then sat down to pray. As we all grasped hands, Eric thanked Jesus for our time together and for His blessing over our conversation and the food. Then we dug in.
In typical fashion, we tried to get to know the girl. We really didn't know much about her and so we asked the traditional questions. Where are you from? What do your parents do? Why Wheaton? What are you studying? And so you want to be a teacher? She was open and forthcoming with the facts. And that was about it. She just didn't give us a lot more than exactly what we asked for. A little like going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled well before it is ready to come out. It takes a lot of tugging!
I asked a couple of questions aimed at getting to the conversations I thought he wanted to have. And that stinker turned it around and asked us what was going on with us. Not sure what he was hoping for now, or if he was just nervous about tackling some of the topics he had shared with me that he wanted to cover, I let him divert us a bit. Eric and I glanced at each other and answered his question by telling them a little of what had been going on in our lives.
I tried again. And she almost bit, but he just wouldn't. It was so strange. Somehow I asked the girl if she had ever seen him cry and she replied only once. I knew this was an issue because he had told me so, and he really wanted to talk through it and try to understand. But when I brought it up, he just brushed it aside. I have been in his presence on at least three occasions when he has cried. Once in Lower Beamer in a totally public place! But he just didn't seem to want to engage. I was very aware that I wanted him to feel that I offered him a safe place, and so I didn't push. And as a result, we never went really deep on personal issues.
Somehow the conversation turned to the notion of predestination or the elect, something we have been wrestling with all summer. Then an intense and deep conversation began, primarily between the young man and Eric. The young man is totally in on these notions. And Eric just isn't. He believes the story is so much more beautiful if we turn toward Christ, than if He just makes us His puppets causing us to be saved. No doubt, the bulk of the work is done by God, but we still must turn toward Him and so, in some small way, a bit of responsibility rests on us. (I'm certain this notion will cause some controversy among my classmates if anyone is even reading these really long posts.)
It was a really emotional conversation back and forth between these two men who love Jesus deeply. Both experienced similar paths to finding Christ, yet they view this moment of justification differently. In the end, I think they agreed to disagree, though there was so much common ground, it's hard to see it as a disagreement.
After two hours, we were all exhausted. Eric let everyone know I had homework to do - which is really his code for people to leave so he can go to bed. He's very clever that way.
As they were leaving, I wondered if they had gotten out of this interaction what they wanted. My feeling is no. It was a great theological discussion, but what I think they really wanted from us was some practical life experience. In the end, I'm not sure the design of the evening was good. Maybe we just didn't do enough LNRA to determine exactly what both of them wanted from our time together. Certainly, they were resistant to the topics I thought he had wanted to tackle. So I was a little confused.
And maybe all they wanted was to hang out and get to know us in a more intimate setting. I leave the evening feeling disappointed and a little confused. I'm guessing they feel the same.
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