Getting Out of the Way...

1. SPACE: outdoors on the patio at Egg Harbor.  A table for four.  We were situated beside each other at the table.  
2. ACTOR: the people involved - A young woman who had graduated two years ago and is dating a young man I have mentored for the past couple of years.  Me.  Other diners.  The servers.  People who walked past.  
3. ACTIVITY: a set of related acts people do - Eating breakfast.  Listening.  Talking.  Drinking.  I spend a lot of time fixing my iced tea. She fixes her coffee.  The cream splashes onto the table.  She cleans it up discreetly while I ignore that it happened so as not to embarrass her.  
4. OBJECT: the physical things that are present - Tables.  Chairs.  A plant by my head.  The dishes on the table.  Eventually our food.  
5. ACT: single actions that people do - We both leave our phones in our purses.  Shows presence.  
6. EVENT: a set of related activities that people carry out - Eating. Talking. Drinking.  
7. TIME: the sequencing that takes place over time - I arrive first and get a table.  She arrives later.  We chat a bit.  Decide on our order.  Place our order.  Talk.  Listen.  Eat. Talk. Listen. Drink. Talk.  Listen.  Talk.  And then I talk a bit.  Pray.  Pay.  Leave.  
8. GOAL: the things people are trying to accomplish - Figure out where her head is.  What is going on in her life, especially as it relates to her boyfriend.  
9. FEELING: the emotions felt and expressed - Sadness. Confusion.  Realization.  Understanding.  Compassion.  Shock.  Disbelief.  

In keeping with my goal of "getting out of the way," I was determined to speak less to allow room for the other person to share their story.  And for the most part I achieved that goal.  I finished eating long before my companion because she was doing most of the talking.  

I asked some questions to get things started and then she poured out...about work and the increasing demands in a job she doesn't love but is good at.  The lack of compensation for the additional work and her frustration there.  I listened and only assured her that what she was experiencing was completely within the bounds of the normal work world, even at Wheaton College.  

Then we touched on her church where she is feeling less and less connected.  She told me stories of their harsh treatment of her and her roommate.  About judgments they are making and rules they are imposing.  She shared that she just isn't feeling well cared for there and instead is feeling shame and a lot of anxiety.  She processed her next steps out loud and I did my best to affirm her in those decisions while being respectful of God's affection for His church.  

Our next topic was her family.  So much hurt and heartache there.  She shared that she has reached a great place in knowing that she is not responsible for her Dad and his life.  He has made a lot of bad choices and needs to figure it out on his own.  

And then we turned to the boyfriend story.  I mostly listened and affirmed her in her actions in the three areas we had already covered.  But I knew this one would be more difficult.  So mostly I listened and prayed that God would give me His words, His scripture to help inform her thinking.  Another attempt at getting myself out of the way and allowing God to be her answer.  

And He showed up.  We talked about Ephesians 5.  We talked about what it looks like to respect the man you love.  We talked about being careful with boundaries in relationship.  And we talked about the choice we make every day to love the one we have decided to share our lives with...to honor them...to love them.  We talked about the greatest thing we could do for someone we loved would be to help them become more Christ-like.  To pursue sanctification.  To make the other person a better man or woman.  And the best way to do that was to be sure Christ was at the center of the relationship.  The Scripture from Ecclesiastes about a cord of three strands is not easily broken comes to mind...  

Instead of the negative conversations about how awful it is to be long distance or how day-to-day life is hard, focus on God's gifts...His blessing...read through the Psalms or other verses that stir you and share the intimacy that comes from talking about your Creator.  When the intimacy of proximity cannot be experienced, seek that same intensity in a spiritual intimacy that will be much more life-giving than complaining about what the day has brought.  We left after a time of prayer for what the Lord can do in their relationship...and thanks for the time spent together.  

I told her I wouldn't follow up with her boyfriend, who had asked me to meet with her.  I said I'd let him contact me.  And later that day I got a simple message, "Thank you."  

So glad I got out of the way and let God do His work!